Andy Rules

If only more people would listen to me...

2005-09-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

Recently I’ve noticed that life isn’t as easy as it should be. And therefore, I’ve put my brain to long over-due use, and come up with these handy inventions. Feel free to produce any of these ideas, just give me a free copy, and a cut of the profit, I’d say 100% is fair.

*Legal Note:* By reading that last paragraph, you agree to all terms and conditions outlined above.

Ok, first off, I have a ride ‘um vacuum cleaner. I think if they produced one of these suckers, guys would WANT to do housework. And if you made it a combination vacuum/lawnmower, you could clean your kids rooms as well!

Secondly, the flash cooler. We all know refrigerators take too long to cool something down. For heating we have the microwave, for cooling, we should have, oh, I dunno, the “macrowave” or something. Just something that can cool things down really fast.

Who here hates to weed? Spending an entire day out in the garden, pulling those annoying little bastards out? Don’t you think it would be a great idea if someone invented a precision motorized weeder? Not like a weed-eater, or a doctor brush (or whatever those things are called, you know, like a snow blower for your garden? You know what I’m talking about) I’m talking about something like that, only you can safely use it next to your wife’s tomatoes without running the risk of having to explain yourself.

An electric car that isn’t uglier than pasty white ass. Seriously, who would want to drive these abominations:

Why would anyone design a car this ugly? You’d have to be some sort of hippy high on some sort of drugs to buy a car this… wait, I just answered my question. The point is, if you put an electric motor into something like this:

Now, if only the engine had enough power to get the job done, I’d consider buying one.

And that’s more or less it. What do you think needs to be invented? Drop me a line, and let me know.

Another annoying chain letter

2005-08-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

So here's a little goody I got in my inbox the other day.

“IT HAS BEEN CALCULATED THAT IF EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA DID NOT PURCHASE A DROP OF GASOLINE FOR ONE DAY AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME, THE OIL COMPANIES WOULD CHOKE ON THEIR STOCKPILESAT THE SAME TIME IT WOULD HIT THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY WITH A NET LOSS OF OVER 4.6 BILLION DOLLARS WHICH AFFECTS THE BOTTOM LINES OF THE OIL COMPANIES. THEREFORE SEPTEMBER 1st HAS BEEN FORMALLY DECLARED "STICK IT UP THEIR BEHIND " DAY AND THE PEOPLE OF THESE TWO NATIONS SHOULD NOT BUY A SINGLE DROP OF GASOLINE THAT DAY. THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN BE DONE IS IF YOU FORWARD THIS E-MAIL TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TO GET THE WORD OUT. WAITING ON THE GOVERNMENT TO STEP IN AND CONTROL THE PRICES IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REDUCTION AND CONTROL IN PRICES THAT THE ARAB NATIONS PROMISED TWO WEEKS AGO?

REMEMBER ONE THING, NOT ONLY IS THE PRICE OF GASOLINE GOING UP BUT AT THE SAME TIME AIRLINES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES, TRUCKING COMPANIES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES WHICH EFFECTS PRICES ON EVERYTHING THAT IS SHIPPED. THINGS LIKE FOOD, CLOTHING, BUILDING MATERIALS, MEDICAL SUPPLIES ETC. WHO PAYS IN THE END? WE DO! WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IF THEY DON'T GET THEMESSAGE AFTER ONE DAY, WE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. SO DO YOUR PART AND SPREAD THE WORD. FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. MARK YOUR CALENDARS AND MAKE SEPTEMBER 1ST A DAY THAT THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA SAY ‘ENOUGH IS ENOUGH’”

All I can say to this is: AH HA HA HA HA HA! That’s a good one! I’m willing to be $50 to anyone who takes it that the oil companies won’t be affected by this at all. This is simply a bullshit chain letter written by some poor slob who’s only hope of becoming semi-famous is to circulate an annoying (don’t tell me all-caps isn’t annoying) letter by e-mail. Congratulations, you’re a loser!

The point is that when you don’t fill up your car, 3 forces are going to win, and 1 is going to lose. The first winner will be the hippies. They win because there’s going to be slightly less pollution that day. When the hippies win Winston Churchill will roll over in his grave, and the world will come to an end. I’m not ready for that to happen. The second winners are the terrorists. They want us out of their lousy countries, and we want their oil. The minute we don’t have a reason to be destroying their homes is the minute they win. And finally, the last winner will the oil companies. What?! How can the oil companies win from this? It must take either a utter genius or a complete madman to see the connection. Unfortunately, it takes neither. The oil companies will win on September 2nd, when everyone who didn’t fill up on the 1st fills their tanks.

Now, everyone’s asking, who’s the loser? The answer is you, for allowing your life to be controlled by a random chain letter. I know I’m going to be pumping my gas-guzzler with good ‘ole fashioned 87 octane, my way of sticking it to the hippies, and the terrorists. It's also good for the economy. Who can lose?

Get rich quick schemes that work!

2005-08-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

Ever since I got that stock comment, or whatever you want to call it, I’ve been trying to think of ways that would get me rich, but with little, no, or easy work. This is what I’ve come up with:

The Hick Scam - This one requires a couple of steps. 1. Break your leg. 2. Go to Wal-Mart. 3. Fall down. 4. Sue Wal-Mart. 5. Go buy a trailer. That ones pretty easy, only problem is breaking your leg. If you’re to sissy to do that, get a friend, and let him in on the plan. Then, if he doesn’t split the money 50/50 with you, tell everyone about his scam.

Lottery Tickets – Every payday, take your entire paycheck, and go buy lottery tickets. Oh, save a little for food, gas, or whatever else you like to waste your money on. But when you’re buying this many lottery tickets, you’re almost sure to hit pay dirt.

Rob a bank – In this ultra security world it’s getting harder and harder to rob a bank and get away with it. Not like the old west. Also, compared to cowboys most people alive today are total pussies. So how can you rob a bank and get away with it? Piece of cake. Go to some third world country like Somalia, or Algeria, and rob a bank there. Only problem is that they don’t have any money to steal. Find a bank that caters to foreigners or rich people. Then the problem is that those banks have security guards. But who hasn’t wanted to get in a gunfight?

The Reverse Nigerian Scam – We all know the Nigerian scam, some rich Nigerian general wants to take money out of his country, but he needs you to pay for it, etc. Anyways, say you’re some good natured Canadian/American official who wants to return the money, but your superiors want to keep it. Follow the remaining steps of the original Nigerian scam, and just like that you’ve made some easy cash.

Just in case there are any idiots out there (and I know there are a lot of you), this is a work of COMEDY. Under no circumstances should anyone be dumb enough to actually consider pulling any of these off. If you do, you deserve what’s coming to you.

I wish there was a law against stupidity

2005-08-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought people couldn’t get any more stupid, I was proven wrong. Does anybody want free stock advice? Go to the comments section of my last post. I’m at a loss of words for how completely unbelievable this is.

Well Walter Martin, thanks for the hot “insider tips.” I’ll be sure to invest all my money due to tips from a comment you left on my website. Thanks for using the comment area for its intended purpose. Personally, I think the world has one more person than it needs.

And why would I even bother to take your “hot tips” seriously. YOU CAN’T EVEN TYPE PROPERLY! “Watch this One to Trad,e!” Nice comma, MORON! Hmm, this company is poised for success, you can tell by the high-brow sophisticated advertising.

Here’s what I really love about this: “All statements made are our express opinion only and should be treated as such.We may own, take position and sell any securities mentioned at any time. Any statements that express or involve discussions with respect to predictions, goals, expectations, beliefs, plans, projections, object'ives, assumptions or future events or perfo'rmance are not statements of historical fact and may be "forward,ooking statements." forward,ooking statements are based on expectations, estimates and projections at the time the statements are made that involve a number of risks and uncertainties which could cause actual results or events to differ materially from those presently anticipated.” What this quote explains is: “You’re better off asking Miss Cleo for financial advice.” Hmmm, you’re telling me to give you my money… with no guarantee that it will multiply, and the people working for you, making these predictions were probably on the same boatload of illegal immigrants as your advertisers? Well, sign me up! I’d be an idiot to miss such a thrilling opportunity.

I’d like to end with one more quote: “This is not solicitation to buy or sell st-0cks, this text is or informational purpose only and you should seek professional advice from registered financial advisor before you do anything related with buying or selling st0ck-s, penny st'0cks are very high risk and you can lose your entire inves,tment.” What this paragraph says is: “disregard everything you’ve read, because we’re full of shit.” I hope the morons who posted this read my reply to them. But what good will it do? No matter how many times you hit this people in the face with a brick of common sense, they never learn.

Please, make the world a better place, next time you see anything like this, let them know how much you appreciate their unsolicited, unwanted, worthless advice. And people wonder why I’m always angry.

Wicked Movies

2005-08-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

I’m trying to be more positive, so instead of telling you which movies suck, I’m going to tell you which movies don’t suck. Just assume that if it isn’t on this list, it sucks.

Dawn of the Dead – Ok, zombie movies rock, and this has to be the best zombie movie ever made. I don’t want to be accused of being a Maddox rip-off, so feel free to view his opinion on the movie here. I agree with him 100% on this one (like all ones).

Army of Darkness - #2 Zombie movie. Once again check here for why it rules.

Smokey and the Bandit – This has to be the ultimate white man movie. Starring Jerry Reed and Burt Reynolds, Burt rips around in a Trans Am with a hottie riding shotgun, and the police hot on their heels. And Jerry Reed is truckin’ a load of beer. Best part of the movie is when Jerry Reed get beaten up by a bunch of bikers, then, when he’s driving away, he runs over their bikes with his truck. I guess you needed to be there. Oh, and when Burt Reynolds gets air in the Trans Am.

On a side note, I met Burt Reynolds the other day. Ok, not so much met him as sat in the same football stadium. It was pretty sweet, because the sound guys played “East Bound and Down,” and I was singing along. But back on track.

Saving Private Ryan – There must have been at least a million Nazis killed in this movie. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

And with that I’m spent. So long, jerks!

andy@andyrules.tk

How can the CN Tower not be impressive?

2005-07-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

Once again, someone anonymously challenges what I claim on my website. Once again, I let them know they’re wrong. Let’s look at what they said:

"CN Tower, however impressive it seems, is not much to write home about. It's tall, it's got concrete glass, and it's got really fast elevators. Other than that...nilch. If I were you, I'd pick a better landmark."

How can someone not be impressed with the CN tower. It is the largest free standing structure on earth? That’s not impressive? Personally, I consider anything that is classified as “The _____est _____ on earth” to be impressive. I know what your problem is. You’re jealous of us mighty Canucks with our gigantic towers. But it’s ok. Your puny towers are impressive too… NO! Its like when a guy with a gigantic wang walks into a shower room. Everyone else says it’s no big deal, but they all secretly wish they were in his position. Sorry for exposing your insecurities.

Since you decided to post anonymously, I’ll assume you’re American. Hence the jealousy of the mighty Canadian tower. What I want to know is, what do the Americans have going for them landmark wise? The Grand Canyon? Wow, its not even the biggest canyon or the longest or anything. As far as I’m concerned, it’s nothing but a hole. It might be a big hole, but its not even the biggest. The statue of liberty? Come on, she’s not even hot. The golden gate bridge? Once again, outdone by Canada with its great Confederation Bridge. If I were you I’d get a landmark. Period.

So once again I am able to defend my honor, and remind everybody that I am the greatest!

andy@andyrules.tk

Funny thing happened the other day...

2005-07-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

The other day I was sitting around being a man, you know, fishing, eating beef jerky, listening to country music, when something terrible happened. First off, my fishing rod broke. That really pissed me off. Lucky a fish swam under the dock right when it happened so I got my big fishing knife, jumped in the water, and caught it with my bare hands.

Then, on the way back to my car, I was cornered by a group of communist hippies, trying to convent me to their senseless philosophies about living. Being commies I figured they’d all like to share the whoopin’ they were about to receive, and being hippies they were required to stand there and take it. Because fighting back would harm one of “mother earths creations.” Stupid hippies.

When I was finally on the road, and thought my day couldn’t get any better, I saw a hoard of zombies chasing a group of scantly clad schoolgirls. Somehow I managed to fit all the schoolgirls in my car (it was a tight squeeze…) and proceeded to run over zombies. After hitting about thirty I realized they zombie corpses were starting to dent my car. So I got out of my car and started ramming my broken fishing pole into the zombie’s brains.

Three hours later, all the zombies were dead. The Prime Minister declared me a national hero, because the government was unprepared for the undead threat. I really saved Canada’s bacon. Oh, and the CN tower was renamed the “Andy Rules Tower,” in my honor.

andy@andyrules.tk

Land of the Dead Review

2005-06-28T00:56:00.000-07:00

Long story short, I went camping before I could post my highly valued opinion on “Land of the Dead.” Long story short, it rocked, it was probably the best movie I’ve seen this year.

Long story short, the main character; Riley has a badass road train, OF DEATH that he uses to steal supplies and murder zombies from small cities. He takes these supplies to the big walled off city they live in. Where the rich people get all the good things (booze, cigars, beef jerky), and all the poor people get the bad things (Broccoli, dead zombie parts).

John Leguizamo then starts acting like a little bitch and decides to steal the road train, OF DEATH. So than the rich guy teals Riley to steal it back. But then the zombies attack the city. So they use the road train, OF DEATH to help the poor people. Then, while the zombies were walking away for some reason, and Riley has some missiles ready to launch at them, which would slaughter them all, he busts out probably the pansiest line I’ve ever heard in a movie: “Let them go, they’re just looking for a place to go, just like us.” That part sucked. It almost ruined the movie for me. Except right after they went to Canada. Which was pretty badass.

So overall, it was a watchable zombie movie, not as badass as Dawn of the Dead, but it was still pretty good.

andy@andyrules.tk

Helpful hints... THAT SUCK!

2005-06-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

Being a man, we all know how much I hate chain e-mails. A while ago, I was forwarded one entitled “Helpful hints.” It pertained to “flirting” and the “signs” of such. It laid out what chicks do to flirt, and what guys do to flirt. Being a man, I can’t comment on the flirtatious ways of women. HOWEVER, I got a bone to pick with the guys signs. I’ll put what the e-mail says and my take on it. You know this will be good.

1. He stares at you a lot.

Well I guess this one is true. Guys tend to stare at chicks, but usually in places that offends them. It’s not my fault you choose to highlight those areas.

2. He hits you a lot (just play hitting)

No, he’s not playing. He’s hitting you because you’re annoying. That and he hates you. Because chicks love jackasses.

3. He uses the first thing that pops into his head to start a conversation with you.

Shit, really? Personally, I use the last. “So, how’s the weather in Kabul?”

4. He yelled, "Hi!” to your mom that day she picked you up from school.

Any guy who does this disserves a de-nutting.

5. He blew off his buds to go see "Run Away Bride" with you cuz you couldn't get another girl pal to go and didn't want to go alone.

See # 4.

6. He tries to make you laugh anyway even if he gets hurt in the process.

He trys to make you laugh because he’s a funny guy. He tries to make everyone laugh. Maybe if you weren’t conceited enough to look past yourself for a minute, you realize he acts like that around everyone.

7. His voice gets softer ("Hey, you") when ever you two talk.

Would you rather have him yelling? “HEY YOU!” (He's angry)

8. You hung up on him. He called you back.

He just got his white man priliviges revoked, and a free de-nutting, courtesy of Andy.

9. You where invited by him to a group outing.

Yeah, that must mean he wants you, hmm, ever heard of “just friends?”

10. He called you to talk about nothing at all.

I’m sorry, but I think your man is a chick! Men only call when they have something to talk about. A man’s telephone conversation should last a maximum of two minutes.

11. He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation.

Maybe he pays attention sometimes. Yeah that’s a sign of flirting. “Hey, I found the prefect man, he pays attention at times.” “Yeah, he’s a real keeper!”

12. He every possible way to touch you (your hair, face, ass, thighs, ect.)

No, that’s just because he’s a pervert.

You got any chain mail you think should be ripped up? Well don’t send them to me or anyone else. If you do, you can go to hell!

andy@andyrules.tk

Now I'm Pissed

2005-05-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

My site is plugging shit. I feel used. Those bastards have put pop-ups on my website. Some of them are for the .tk service, which I can live with. They’re nice enough to let my have a web address for free, so I’ll let them advertise their service. However, what really pisses me off is the add for cell phone ring tones.

There are few things I hate more than cell phones. Cell phones were made to be used as a tool, to call a tow truck when your piece of junk car breaks down, to call police when you see a crime, or to pretend to call in sick from the lake. When used like this, cell phones don’t bother me at all.

On the other hand, we have the annoying cell phone users. These people take a call in a movie theatre, have their favorite “Hip-Hop” song transformed into beeps for their ring tone, and send “text messages.” Where should I start with all this?

Text messages probably annoy me the most. If you need to communicate with someone, it’s far easier too call them, and talk too them. I thought that was the point of cell phones. But thanks to text messaging, you don’t even need the telephone feature. Just sell little text message devices. Save gas. But no, people drive their metaphorical intelligence car into the metaphorical dump truck carrying an extra heavy load of stupid.

The majority of stupid cell phone users are dipshit teen girls. You know the one’s I’m talking about. I forget the term the kids use for them. Something like twinkies, or hob-nobs. I don’t know. Anyways, here’s Andy’s “How Too Tell If You Are A Stupid Cell Phone Owner” Test.

On average, you send ___ Text messages a week?
How many times do you talk about boys on your cell phone each day?
Does your cell phone have a rap based ring tone?

If you answer anything other than “0” or “NO” or "I only talk about how much Andy Rules," you need to smash your cell phone into little sharp jagged bits, swallow them whole, then sit and wait until you die of brain cancer.

So I’ll be writing a letter too the .tk people, and in the mean time, I need you to boycott any advertising that appears on my website. DO NOT BUY THEIR SHIT!

andy@andyrules.tk

IMPORTANT NEWS!

2005-05-17T19:49:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, my favorite movie of all time is Dawn of the Dead. I love that movie, in fact, I love all zombie movies, they all rock balls. Anyways, onto the important news.

Between not doing anything and slacking off, one of my co-workers informed me about a new movie. You guessed it. A sequel (well, not really, there is Day of the Dead, but, a sequel to the new movie) to Dawn of the Dead. It’s called Land of the Dead. It’s set in a world over-run by zombies.

Now, unfortunately, Mr. Romero has obviously never met me. If there ever was a zombie outbreak (a big one) we all know I would just walk around murdering zombies. Eventually the zombies would realize that if they kept on trying to eat me, I would keep on killing them. They’d then team up with me and I’d have one badass army of the undead. Then zombies would take over the world. But back on topic.

The best part of Dawn of the Dead, by far was the death wagons. They only bad thing about them was that they were Fords. No wonder only one of them made it to the marina. But anyways, in the new one, they make a road train, OF DEATH! Seriously, I cannot describe how awesome this thing is, it was obviously made from a Chevy.

Oh, I forgot to mention the movie is called Land of the Dead. If you are anywhere half as awesome as me, you’d have already seen the trailer. In the event you are only 1/4 as awesome as me, the trailer can be viewed here.

I hope nobody needs me on the night of June 24th, I’m going to be very busy on that night. I haven’t been this excited since they started selling the Dukes of Hazzard DVD box sets. And I was excited about that.

andy@andyrules.tk

Things I can do without

2005-05-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

Looking around, I see so many worthless ideas the clutter the earth, and make life less enjoyable. The following things need to be destroyed immediately.

1) Automatic Transmissions – The banning of the automatic transmission makes a lot of sense. First off, neither of my cars have an automatic transmission. In addition, the removal of automatic transmissions would also remove the majority of bad drivers. Do you think the guy who can barely park drive a standard? We all know he can’t.

2) Televised Poker – While I love the game of poker (I’m not joking, I LOVE, poker. I actually love it), it is a game best suited for dimly light basements, and smoky back rooms, not cable TV. You know it has gotten out of hand when Speedvision plays poker.

3) Gas prices – A buck a litre is just too much, I’m sorry. It’s keeping one of my cars (the good one) off the road, and that makes me angry.

4) Hippies – This one is self-explanatory.

5) “Chick Flicks” – These are, in all honesty, the worst movies ever conceived. How many love stories are there too tell? I think it’s about high time Hollywood ran out, at least if it knew what was good for them. Or else they’ll all get introduced to the business end of my foot.

That’s all for toady. Is there anything you think needs to be destroyed? E-mail me and let me know, who can say, I might actually post a couple good ones.

andy@andyrules.tk

A few things I've noticed.

2005-05-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

Those lousy hippies have been at it again. They went and made me mad. Again. This time with all their whining about peace in the Middle East. However novel this idea sounds, they are blaming the wrong entities, and are ignoring thousands of years of history.

Where should I start first? Let’s try Israel. The place where they slaughter innocent Arab citizens by the thousands, and treating them to the harshest persecution. While the Palestinian citizens may not have it easy living in Israel, they have it better than their fellow Arabs in neighboring countries (Egypt, Jordan, etc.). The Israeli Palestinians have the right to vote in a free election. That right there is more democratic rights than their neighboring Arab brothers have.

In addition, any violence being committed against the Arab citizens is somewhat their own fault. You cannot expect to be able to throw rocks at your neighbor and his kids without some sort of retaliation. I’m not saying that there’s no need for change in Israel, simply that hippies should be focusing their efforts (after smoking cannabis and making tie-dye T-shirts of course) to other areas.

Let’s look at the crusades now. One of the darkest times in Christian history, and many of the churches leaders have condemned the action taken by the crusaders. Where their actions taken right? In my opinion, no. Where the Muslims right when they conquered Spain, or fought their way to the gates of Vienna? The Muslim soldiers committed many brutal acts during these wars, but when European Christians did it became wrong. In addition Muslim leaders consider these countries Islamic by nature, and often talk about the re-conquest of Spain.

And last, but not least, the Iraqi war. While I do not support this war in anyway, or condone the killing of innocent Iraqi citizens, anyone who tells me life under Saddam Hussein would be better is full of it. Militants beheading truck drivers? Terrorists blowing up police stations? While I admit the US has no place in Iraq, it is these gruesome acts that turns me against the “Freedom Fighters.” Where were these brave Iraqis when Saddam ruled with an iron fist killing anyone who opposed his power? When the US rolls in trying to give them democracy they start fighting against it. I say since the Middle East wants the US out so bad, why not say good bye to a bad problem. No more innocent Iraqi babies killed by US bombs, no more American soldiers (and innocent Iraqi Babies) killed by terrorist bombs. Lets get Saddam back in power, and allow him to commit genocide. Anything but democracy.

Do I oppose peace in the Middle East? No, I’m all for it. Do I believe that Arabs are second class citizens? No. Why did I write this? Too show the hippies how wrong they are. Instead of focusing exclusivly on the torture in Iraq, you should also bring to your attention the torture taking place in Egypt, Iran, Syria, and Jordan, which is far worse than it is in Iraq. Should be stop trying to treat Palestinians as equal to the Jews? No, we should encourage it. However, we should also try to achieve democratic rights in Middle East countries ruled by Muslims as well.

This post was a little different than my usual style. I was just trying to convey a point, and unfortunately humor couldn’t be a part of it. So, after the point has been made, I will write “Poo” ten times. Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo. There, I hope that has provided you with a laugh to accompany the heavy intellectual load I have forced upon you. Next post will be back to my traditional comical ways.

andy@andyrules.tk

What do you know, blogs do suck

2005-04-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Earlier on in my brilliant web-posting career, I wrote an article on how much blogs suck. Well, whether through boredom or just plain stupidity, I clicked that little “Next Blog” button up at the top of my glorious webpage. All I can say is that that was a BIG mistake. Some people, I just don’t know. I guess they just need a good kick in the face or something. I mean what goes through your minds? Look at these examples.

http://mypreciousbaby.blogspot.com/

This site is “Angelicious.” I bet any money the person behind this site is some 13 year old girl. I don’t even know why this is on the internet. Lets look at one of her posts.
“hey dar..happy 5 mth anni..aniway..im tyrin my best not to tink abt past n move on..but i juz cant..each time i close my eyes..i see u..i cld not slp at all..im sittin dwn alone in e room”
I don’t even need to comment on this, she insults herself just by typing like this.

http://arealproperty.blogspot.com/

This has to be the most boring webpage on the internet. From what I gather its about real estate? I just don’t know, I had to light my desk on fire just to avoid slipping into a boredom so sheer that I’d might never be able to have fun again. This is probably the most pointless webpage on the internet.

http://writechildrensbooks.blogspot.com/

Alright, I’m going to learn how to write children’s books from a blog site. If anyone actually wanted to write children’s books, I think a blog site would be the last place they look. If anyone actually needs instruction on how to write children’s books, there must be something wrong with them. I wrote a children’s book once, in my grade six English class. It’s funny because mine was better than most others in publication.

http://charityaz2.blogspot.com/

I’d be amazed if anyone could understand this gibberish.

http://yourpinkstar.blogspot.com/

At first I thought I found a porn site. I was quickly let down. First thing I saw were some giant strawberries, which intrigued me. I like food. After which was some big Spanish writing. Then Japanese, then English. MAKE UP YOUR MIND! The way I see it, I speak English, that’s the only language that’s going to appear on my website site. Oh, wait, I also know French. I better but up some random French writing. Then I could be 2/3rds as cool as this person. What really got me angered was this: “this blog rocks” Unless you were referring to mine, your are sadly mistaken. Because nothing rocks as hard as Japanese writing. I’d call you a tool but that would be an insult to circular saws.

I wonder what goes through peoples minds when they post this stuff on the internet. I just don’t know sometimes.

andy@andyrules.tk

Even more hatemail!

2005-04-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

No matter how obviously apparent it is that I rock, people are always trying to find flaws. They’re probably just jealous. But I digress, here is the latest individual that has tried to knock me down a peg.

Crystal said...
"I'm sorry but is it just me or are you pretending to be a jerk?"

Where do I start with this one. Well, first let me tell you it was posted after I republished my entire website (after my little accident), and it was attached to “More hatemail!” post, wherein I defended myself from another uninformed persons accusations. Anyways, it seems they think I came down a little hard on my friend “Girly Ricer.”

Well Crystal, did you ever stop to think that Girly Ricer was acting as a jerk? I needed to reply to the post to defend my honor, as I am doing now. I was attacked, so I defended myself, as I am doing now. Did I come down too hard? I hope so, the only way to make someone learn a lesson is to give them one they don’t forget. Let’s say I let one person point out a potential flaw, and I don’t reply. That would mean that I admit defeat, and therefore are no longer perfect. Since I am perfect, I need to prove so to anyone who doubts it.

By the way, I don’t need to pretend to be a jerk, I assure you, I am a jerk.

By the way Crystal, nobody cares how your day went, especially people you’ve never met before who have stumbled across your blog. If someone wants to know about your day, they’ll ask. But then again, there is the freedom of thought, belief, and expression, so you can say whatever you want. I’m just trying to give you a pointer.

The next one comes from “czechitout.”

czechitout said...
"dude the czechs are so much cooler"

This one was posted on my “Brief lesson in Canadian history” post. I believe he’s trying to tell me that Czech’s are cooler then Canadians.

I’m sorry to report that Czech history is no match for Canadian history. Let us look at Czech history since the beginning of last century.

1900-1918 The region that would later become Czechoslovakia was divided between Germany, Russia, and the Austro-Hungarian Empire. All of which lost World War I.

1918-1938 Czechoslovakia chilled.

1938-1945 Czechoslovakia was taken over by Nazi Germany, which later lost World War II.

1945-1991 Czechoslovakia was part of the Soviet Union, which were commies. Commies are up there on the list of things I hate, along with hippies and Nazis.

1991-1993 Czechoslovakia chilled.

1993 Czechoslovakia split into two independent states, Slovakia, and The Czech Republic.

1994-present The Czech Republic and Slovakia chilled.

That’s about it. For every Canadian victory, there was a Czech defeat. It kind of makes me sad. Poor Czechoslovakia.

Maybe you’re talking about actual physical temperatures, in which case Canada is A LOT cooler than Czechoslovakia (or the Czech Republic, or Slovakia).

Just in case anyone cares, on March 17th, the day after my “Why I don’t tackle hippies” post, I received a record 27 hits (and that was only my .tk address). It makes me all warm and fuzzy when I think that my most popular post was about why I hate hippies. All the more proof that hippies suck.

andy@andyrules.tk

Writer's block and the state of things Canada

2005-04-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

Know what sucks? Writers block. I can’t even write decent examples of why I hate writers block. Writers block is preventing my legions of fans of obtaining their much needed fix of awesomeness through my website. It’s like a junkie who can’t get his fix. Only less illegal.

Speaking of junkies, the government is going too easy on them. In Vancouver clean injection sites have been opened, and there’s talk of distributing heron for free. So the GOVERNMENT is going to be giving away heron, an ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE? What’s wrong with this picture? The Canadian government is too nice to throw junkies in prison (where they belong). But they’re nice enough to hand out illegal substances which can kill you for free? There’s something rotten in the state of Canada!

Today I was watching the news about the sponsorship scandal. They were finding out the opinions of the people on the street. One chick said “There is corruption, but I don’t see why we need to dwell on it. Other countries have far more corruption, so we don’t really need to worry about it.” That’s not the attitude you need! You need to see the corruption, and try to fix it! If you have a broken arm, but another guy as two broken arms, you don’t say “He has it worse, I don’t need to worry about mine.” Hell no! You get your ass to the hospital and get your arm fixed! We can’t just sit around and say “lets just drop it, it’s not all that bad.” It’s not bad this time, but what about next time? We need to make an example! Hang everyone involved, and move on!

And that’s why I hate writers block.

andy@andyrules.tk

I really hate hippies

2005-04-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today I had to sit through a presentation about “fair trade” delivered by some hippy. Long story short it’s about how greedy and evil we are because we don’t buy “fair trade” products. Or maybe it’s because we’re ignorant. Those were his exact words. Why not just say I make Charles Manson look like a model citizen.

That’s one of my biggest problems with hippies today, their condescending attitude. You’re the one who sleeps in a VW Van, pollutes the atmosphere with your cannabis smoke, and doesn’t shower, but I’m the scum?

As far as I’m concerned, as the price of living increases, and my wage stays the same, I can’t afford coffee that was bought at a fair price to the farmers. The point is that while I’m all for civil rights, and believe that workers should receive a fair wage for their work, but I need to save every penny I earn, and if it means some Columbian farmer gets ripped off on his coffee beans, I’m sorry to hear that, but there’s not much I can do. That farmer will get ripped of whether I buy a can of nabob coffee or not. The same can be said about shoes.

So I’ve decided that after I have a cup of Starbuck’s coffee*, I’ll drive my car to the gas station and fill up with unleaded bronze, then drive to my job at McDonald’s so I can afford to buy a pair of Nike shoes. Take that you hippies!

*For the record, I’m not cool enough to go to a trendy place like Starbuck’s. Wait, did I say cool? I’m sorry, I meant stupid.

andy@andyrules.tk

Andy's New Laws

2005-04-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

A few posts back I said that I would post the changes to this country that would be made if I was elected Prime Minister. Being as awesome as I am, I knew that if I ran the country some things would be different. Here’s what I’d do to turn things around:

1. Instead of prison, all crimes will be punished by death. And none of this waiting 30 years on death row either, they’re be a guy with a gun in the back of every courtroom ready to go. Straight from the court, into a back room, were society is made a better place. Sure, a few innocent people will die, but in the end it will make a difference. The only people who would oppose me would be criminals, anyone walking the straight and narrow has nothing to worry about.

2. Everyone on the road will have to pass a wicked hard driving test. That should weed out most of the terrible drivers on the road. Just to make sure, people will have to re-test every, oh, let’s say 2 years, just to make sure.

3) Lawsuits will be made a thing of the past. Too many people are abusing the civil court system these days, and that needs to be changed. Actually, I’ll be the judge of any lawsuits, so I can make fun of people who are suing for stupid reasons.

4) Two words: Topless Tuesdays.

5) Rap will be illegal, also Techno.

6) I will institute a “Zombie Patrol.” You never know when the living dead will rise up and try to overthrow civilization. We’ve let the undead menace go unchecked for too long.

7) If any foreign leader dislikes my polices, I will invite them into the ring for bare-fisted brawl. If they win, I’ll change whatever they don’t like.

8) There will be no young offenders act. If a child commits a crime, they will be treated the same as adults. If parents don’t like it they should learn to discipline their children. If children don’t like it, they should behave themselves.

9) The police would be given supreme power over any hippy granola eating civil rights laws. Anyone who breaks the law doesn’t deserve the freedoms law abiding citizens are blessed with. If you want my nation’s freedoms you need to follow my nations laws.

10) I’d change the national anthem to “Convoy” by C.W. McCall. That would just plain rock.

11) My cabinet would consist of Mr. T, Clint Eastwood, Tie Domi, and Brad Paisley.

That’s most of the important ones, but here’s a proposal. If you think you can think of a good law, e-mail it too me at andy@andyrules.tk, if I like any of them, I’ll put them up, APB style.

andy@andyrules.tk

I might have it bad, but some have it worse

2005-03-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

If my website was a movie set, it would be an abandoned ghost town, with the occasional tumble weed blowing through. But then, a lone rider rides in. His name is: Andy. People have described him being: “like Clint Eastwood, only meaner.” You know this guy can get the impossible done, and make it look easy at the same time. Well, that’s enough with my little cowboy fantasy. Nevertheless, hard time have befallen the hallowed grounds of the internet that is www.andyrules.tk. What am I doing wrong? I don’t know, my theory is that my website is too awesome, and people are afraid that if they read the content they too would become so awesome they’d die. That has to be it. Well, enough of my little sob story. Lets move on to the more important issues, namely: Ballroom dancing.

Now, I have some good friends who appear to be fairly manly. But, they have taken it upon themselves to take ballroom dancing lessons. They learn the “Fox Trot” and the “Waltz.” I’m not sure what’s more pathetic, having a website about how great I am, or ballroom dancing lessons. Too bad it’s no contest for ballroom dancing lessons. That’s because my website rocks. And Ballroom Dancing sucks.

I don’t know what it is about dancing that makes it suck, but for some reason, guys tend to shy away from it. Just like how they shy away from cooking and cleaning, and birthing babies. I wonder what point I’m trying to put across. And guys, if you ever feel like signing up for ballroom dancing lessons, don’t. Sign up for hockey, rugby or football instead. Then your guy friends won’t make fun of you. They might even join you, then you could hurt them.

andy@andyrules.tk

Why I don't tackle hippies

2005-03-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

On my last post I was forced to expose to vegetarians what morons they are. As it turns out, some people actually agree with me. Well, more like one person, but he’s probably pretty manly.

Josh said...
"yeah, meat is good. cheese is OK, but it gets old. vegans also suck--you may want to tackle them next."

Thanks for pointing that out Josh, vegans do suck. But to me, vegans and vegetarians are all the same thing. Hippies. I’d be more than willing to tackle a hippy, except one thing. They’re smelly, dirty and have lice. So, I prefer a more indirect approach.

That way I don’t even need to touch the hippies. And they still get hurt. Let’s see their “Flower Power” and “LSD” help them now. Lousy hippies.

Almost every problem facing this world today is the result of hippies. I know you’re thinking “What about air pollution, destruction of the rainforest, etc.” Before hippies were invented only a few people were causing these problems. But after the hippies came people started buying gas guzzling SUVs, and cutting down trees, just to spite the hippies.

World War Two? You can bet that was started by a hippy. You ever heard of Neville Chamberlain? He was probably the original hippy. He was too much of a sissy to stand up to Hitler, so instead he followed a policy of appeasement. It took a man like Winston Churchill to fix that mess. I bet not one person could name one positive thing hippies have done for society.

*UPDATE*

Since I typed this post my good friend Emily left another comment.

Em said...
"Oh God. We sold vegan butter--excuse me--'creamy spread' at the store I used to work at. There are certain things I learned while working in a grocery store that have made me loathe to ever go food shopping AGAIN. But it was fun to watch the butchers at work. At the end of every day they had to hose down their workroom because of the excess blood and testosterone."

That testosterone remark sounds like something I’d say about myself. Or maybe Clint Eastwood. Either way it has to be the only thing a chick has said to me this week that I actually agree with. Probably the only thing this entire month.

andy@andyrules.tk

How can anyone be a vegetarian?

2005-03-16T19:57:00.000-08:00

No matter how hard I try to understand vegetarians, I just can’t figure them out. How can someone even think about living a life without meat? Meat is the greatest food ever invented. Look at these examples:

Now, most real men have left to go eat some meat. If they haven’t, I can guarantee they’re hungry. Don’t worry, go for it, I’ll wait here for you. Go, now. Alright, you back? O.K. good. Now, were was I, Oh yeah, I just can’t understand vegetarians. Meat is the greatest food ever invented.

Let me explain something to you. A farmer will raise an entire herd of cattle, hogs, chickens, whatever. The farmer will then slaughter the entire herd; regardless of how much of it will be bought. Do you want to know why? Once cattle reach a certain age, the meat starts to toughen, and isn’t as flavorful. The Farmer will then sell this meat to various distributors, which then sell the meat to your local supermarket. Were do you fit into this my vegetarian friend? When you don’t buy a big juicy steak, your local supermarket has surplus stock. Meat unfortunately goes bad. So, at the end of the day, all the meat you didn’t buy gets thrown into a garbage can. Congratulations, you just made ‘ole Betsy die a worthless death. The one thing she contributed to the world is now in the bottom of a supermarket trashcan. No suffering was prevented, only wasted.

A while back, I went to a steakhouse called Montana’s. I ordered a smoked meat sandwich with “Double the Meat.” The sandwich was taller than it was wide, and it was all meat, no vegetables. I had a similar sandwich at a French-Canadian restaurant. These were probably the best sandwiches I’ve ever had in my entire life. They rival Subway’s sandwiches for the title of “Best Sandwich Ever.” Seriously, it must have took the entire carcass of whatever animal pastrami is made of to make these sandwiches. I can’t begin to describe how great these sandwiches are. Tough luck for you vegetarians though, I hope your veggie sandwiches taste this good.

And how can people live off the alternatives to meat. Soy is probably the grossest food ever invented. Its awesomeness is inversely proportional to how awesome meat is. So, while you chomp down on a delicious soy burger, I’ll enjoy eating my steak, knowing that Betsy didn’t die a pointless death.

andy@andyrules.tk

The US congress needs a hobby

2005-03-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

Browsing through sports headlines today, I found an article entitled: “Congress subpoenas seven MLB players.” It was about how seven baseball players “…were summoned Wednesday to testify at the March 17 hearing of the House Government Reform Committee.”

Now, in my humble opinion, I think that the US congress, the congress of the most powerful nation on earth (besides Canada of course), has better things to do that find out if Major League Baseball players are using steroids. I know baseball in America’s pastime, but I really think congress needs to put more time an effort into the real problems facing America.

This whole issue is between the league and the players. If the league doesn’t want its players using these substances, they should disallow them, and start drug testing. I don’t see where the US government fits into all this.

This would never happen in Canada. The Canadian Parliamentary system has a far better way of doing things. They introduce a bill, and then hold a massive kegger. If more than two thirds of Parliament can remember what the bill was about, it’s deemed important enough to proceed in the system our government has established.

I think the whole steroid issue is way over-blown. The whole United States is more concerned about whether a couple millionaire ball players are taking steroids than the reasons behind the Iraq war. Now, I’m probably the first to say how great sports are, and a great deal of my life is devoted to them. But you need to get your priorities straight.

Here’s a surprise, I have a solution to fix all of this. What will I do? First, I’d get elected as the President of the United States. Then, I’d give myself absolute power. After which I’d initiated “Topless Tuesdays” all across the nation. Boy, that’d be sweet. Anyways, I’d hang all the members of congress and rule by my better judgment. What would my rule be like? Trust me, it’ll be sweet. Check back in a little while once I think of the cornerstones of my term in office.

TV shows worth seeing

2005-03-16T19:55:00.001-08:00

I’ve decided that after listing all the TV shows that I hate (actually, I’ve only mentioned a select few. Trust me there are a lot more that I hate), it’s high time to list some TV shows that I give my approval too. So, without further adieu: Andy’s list of TV shows that don’t suck.

1) The Dukes of Hazzard: There has to be something about tearing around in a muscle car being chased by the law that appeals to guys. If you would ask any guy what TV show they’d like to be in, they’d say The Dukes of Hazzard. Also, everyone on this show is awesome, even the bad guys. But, the best part of this show is the General. I wish I had a car half a sweet as the General.

2) The A-Team: One abbreviation, and One letter: Mr. T. I pity the foo who’s never see this show!

3) Sports: Always a manly way to kill a couple of hours. Unfortunately, the lack of hockey has nearly driven me to desperate measures. I wish I could tie a noose, not to kill myself, but to kill Bettman and Goodenow.

4) You know, American Idol wouldn’t be too bad, If they replaced the black guy with Mr. T, the chick with some hot chick, and the limey with me. Then I’d just make fun of everyone and make-out with the hot chick. And Mr. T will throw people.

Well, those are all the TV shows I can think of that don’t suck. If you can think of any omissions, drop me a line.

andy@andyrules.tk

I Quit

2005-03-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

I've decided that trying all the time is getting me nowhere, so I figure, if I'm not going to get anywhere trying, I might as well get nowhere by not trying. So here's a list of everything I quit.
1) Work. I'm tired of serving artery clogging grease burgers.
2) School. No more homework, no more getting up at 7 in the morning. That will be sweet.
3) Driving. I'm thru with getting pissed of at strangers and old people. I'll either walk, or no, wait, I won't quit driving, the alternatives are even worse.
4) Showers. Two reasons for this one, 1. I have to stand for 15 minutes, and 2. I have to get up off the couch. Just a waste of time.
5) Getting dressed. I'm just going to where one pair of pants, one shirt, one pair of socks, and one pair of boxers for the rest of my life. Day and night. That will save some time, and energy.
6) Paying attention. Too many people are wasting my valuable time with pointless yapping.
7) Taxes. If the government needs my money so bad they can come here and take it.
8) Chewing. I'm either going to have my food pureed, or I'll swallow it whole. Chewing is way to much effort for me.
9) You can bet breathing is going to be cut. I'm thinking about investing in an iron lung. One more waste of energy eliminated.
10) I'll move into the couch. I'll sleep their, and move the refrigerator within arms reach so I'd never need to get up.
Once all these steps have been completed, I will have reached the ultimate zenith of Laze. I will never get up until I either: a) need more food, or b) have to use the can. I'll just sit around and watch The Dukes of Hazzard and the A-Team all day. That would be the life.

andy@andyrules.tk

There's an international crisis on hand

2005-03-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

Political Correctness is ruining our countries, on both sides of the border. In my “Nanny 911? Super Nanny?” post, when I wrote the word “congressman” the computer came up with the little green underlining meaning I made a grammatical mistake. Not wanting such a mistake to get past me, I hit the spell check button. It suggested I change the word to “congressional person.”

Later when I was talking to a buddy of mine, I mentioned how cool it’d be to work as a fisherman, I figure why not turn a hobby into a career. He promptly informed me that it was no longer “fisherman,” but simply “fisher.” The only time I’ve ever referred to a person as a “fisher” was Mike Fisher, of the Ottawa Senators.

The other day a chick I knew got made at me for called a black person black. She had no problem calling white people white, but “black” was a racial slur. Go figure.

Then there are the rappers, who refer to each other as “niggers” and to white people as “crackers.” But then get mad when white people say the word nigger. Which, by the way, is now referred to as the “N-word,” making it comparable to other such favorites as the “F-word” and the “A-word.” I’m sorry I thought I was dealing with a group of forward thinking adults, not grade 2 children. My bad.

Now I’d be the first to admit that racism is a terrible thing, and has been the cause of many of societies problems through the ages. As has sexism. Do we need to change the entire way we talk to right these wrongs? No, simply refusing to go back to the old days of sexual and racial discrimination is enough. If the majority of “fishers” are men, then I’m going to call them fishermen. This is the same for stewardesses, until a majority of them are men, I will refer to them as stewardesses.

Now, with all that said, I am not a racist. Well, actually I am. I hate an entire group of people that I have never met before just because of were they were born. They’re called French Canadians.

Things have gotten out of hand in Quebec. On all signs French writing must be larger than English writing. Oh, I’m sorry, I was under the impression that Canada was a Bilingual country. But then again, I don’t consider Quebec as part of Canada. If they want to leave so bad I say good riddance.

But part of this country that does need language laws is Vancouver. Or rather Hongcouver. Walking down the streets all I see is blaring Chinese signs. With no English even visible. And when there is English, it’s poorly written (WE PRINT SHIRT, repeated fifty times). Them boys in the Quebec language police would have fun out here.

Bad Drivers, Pt. II

2005-03-16T19:53:00.000-08:00

No, my first list wasn’t enough, here are even more types of bad drivers!

Illiterate Drivers – Often ignore signs such as “Slower Traffic Keep Right,” “30km/h SCHOOL DAYS ONLY,” and “No Right Turn.” Guess you don’t need to learn how to read before you can drive.

Almost Hit and Runs – Light turns green, you’re turning left. You hit the gas, then slam on the brakes half way into the turn, because there are pedestrians crossing the road. Guess you can’t be bothered to check to see if anyone is crossing the street.

Road Rage Soccer Moms – You drive a Minivan. You are not allowed to cut people off.

Cell Phone Addicts – It’s a lot of fun to see someone steer, change gears, dial a number, and drive into a tree all at the same time.

Bassers – BOOM BOOM BOOM. Now there’s a way to look cool and cause hearing damage. Who says young people can’t multi-task.

Physics Drop-outs – A 1985 Honda Civic carrying 5 full-grown men and all their luggage can’t accelerate as fast as the rest of traffic. Get in the right-hand lane were you belong.

John Force Jr’s. – Every traffic light is a drag race for these people.

Spam

2005-03-16T19:51:00.000-08:00

Well, let’s see… wow. 63 e-mails. Let’s see what I got. 5 XXX DVD’s for $1 – free shipping. Increase size and length to manhood. Offers for help consolidating my mortgage (I don’t even have one). Spy on e-mail passwords. Free auto-care (not that I need it, I do most of my auto work myself). Cheap ink jet cartridges. Well now that that crap is deleted, I can move on to real e-mails.

Representing all that is wrong in this world.

People say that spam pays for itself if only one out of every ten thousand people buys what they’re trying to sell. I just can’t believe that there are six hundred million people on this earth who are dumb enough to buy things from spam mail. These must be the same people who send televangelists money, or buy the extended warranty. These people must be the kind who really “love it” when they go to McDonalds.

And spam doesn’t even make sense. let me consoladate your mortgage. I wouldn’t let someone who can’t even spell consolidate right consolidate my mortgage, I’m better off doing it myself, or not at all. I bet the free auto care is that if you pay a couple thousand dollars, and give up six months of your life they’ll teach you basic auto repair. Hmm I wonder if these “Game Worn” jerseys are authentic. Well the name of the sender was “BuY aUtHENtIC GaME WoRn JeRSeYs” Yeah, they have to be legit But I can’t believe it, six hundred million, wow, this is why we need to legalize euthanasia. Six hundred, I think I need to lie down. It’s so overwhelming.

Nanny 911? Super Nanny? Lets try more traditional methods

2005-03-16T19:50:00.000-08:00

Here I am, ripping up yet another TV show. It’s almost as if I hate what’s on TV these days. We need more car chases, sports, and gunfights, and less reality. I watch TV to escape reality, not to watch it. If I wanted reality I’d go outside and make some.

But, back on track. Nanny 911 and Super Nanny have to be the worst TV shows ever. Network executives are rewarding parents for not being able to discipline their kids by putting them on TV. Did I mention I hate TV?

I think we all know who’s to blame for this one. The hippies. If they didn’t make it illegal for people to punish their kids, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Lets look at this example:

The good ‘ole days:

Little Johnny: Hey Little Timmy, lets go burn down the police station!

Little Timmy: Sorry Little Johnny, my dad will beat my ass if I do something stupid like that.

End result: Police station isn’t burnt down; Little Johnny and Little Timmy don’t get beatings.

The new bad new days:

Little Johnny: Hey Little Timmy, lets go burn down the police station!

Little Timmy: OK, the worst my parents can do is give me a “Time Out,” and if they even lay a finger on me, they’ll end up in jail!

End result: Police station gets burnt down, Little Johnny and Little Timmy go stand in the corner, and the parents are stuck with the bill for a new police station, which causes them to go bankrupt and live off welfare, costing decent tax paying citizens more and more each year.

See what I mean? Now, if people learned how to smack their kids whenever they misbehaved, or stopped living in fear that if they did they’d end up in jail we’d have no need for having FOX sending out teams of rescue Nannies. You know what sickens me about these nannies? They don’t hit the kids either; they use “Pro-Active” punishments.

Now, I’m not promoting child abuse, I’m simply promoting discipline, Parents who abuse their children will do so regardless of wither or not the rest of society is allowed to punish their children.

So what can you do to help stop this era of hippy induced limp wristed parenting? Well, if you’re a Yankee, write your congressman, tell him how disappointed you are with the state of the nation. If you are a Canadian, start punishing, and if you get caught, don’t worry, our prisons are nicer than most 5 star hotels.

Do you know who was beat as a child? Winston Churchill. As a child, young Winston was notorious for his misbehavior. Do you want to know what happened? His parents sent him to a reform school were he was given a beating every time his misbehaved. I think we all know how he turned out.
*Note: My good friend Emily also wrote an article about punishing children on her website. If you wanna see it, check it out here. It’s kind of funny, I support beatings, she supports sitting them down and talking. Which way works better? Mine, because I’m perfect. If you disagree, let me know, but chances are you’re wrong.

More hatemail!

2005-03-16T19:49:00.000-08:00

This one here’s from “GrlRcr”

“Andy - you don't have a women, do you? C'Mon, admit it... you wouldn't be so angry if you were getting some. Remember, these guys get free clothes and an apartment makeover... sounds like a pretty sweet deal. You're just unhappy because no one gets voted off this reality show, aren't you?”

Well GrlRcr, can I call you Girly Ricer? Well, even if you said no, I still am. As a matter of fact, no I do not have a woman. Getting a woman is one of a biggest mistakes a guy can make, and I’ll tell you why. You see Girly Ricer, when a guy has a chick friend, he often has to make tough decisions. Go out with an annoying chick who you can’t be politically incorrect around, or burp, or fart, or stay at home and watch the game with a couple of the guys. And if you forget a date, i.e. birthdays, Christmas, or don’t bother buying a present, you’d better watch out. Long story short chicks aren’t worth it.

Why am I angry all the time? I’ll tell you why, I am so perfect, that everywhere around me, all the glaring imperfections are magnified, to the point were I’m driven to insanity. That is why I’m angry.

Wow, free clothes? I think I’ve already covered that base in my post. Did you just read the title and then put up a random comment? And a free apartment makeover? Wow, there goes all the cool stuff I’ve accumulated over the years, like the hundreds of muscle car pictures on my walls, or oil filters for cars I don’t own. Gone, just because they aren’t trendy. And just because I let my woman talk me into going onto a stupid show.

No, I’m not unhappy that no one on this show gets voted off, I’m unhappy because no one on this show gets shot.

And what’s more Girly Ricer, what’s with your name? You don’t got any vowels in there! Last time I checked, you need at least one vowel for a grouping of letters to become a word. Did your woman take them away from you, and you aren’t allowed them back until you get a makeover? Are you boycotting vowels until Y is given full-time status? Or are you from a country that’s too poor to afford vowels? If so, I’m very sad to hear it, and if you want, you can e-mail me, and I’ll send you some extra ones I’m not using.

What starts with O ends with C and sucks?

2005-03-16T19:48:00.001-08:00

The OC has to be the most overrated TV show ever. I can’t believe that teens would watch this. The OC is simply nothing more than a Soap Opera. You might as well be watching The Young and the Restless. This is the official description from Fox (who else would be showing such a stupid show)

“The OC is a story of fathers and sons, husbands and wives and the relationships between a group of teens in Southern California.”

Alright, that’s a unique show. NOT! That description can fit any of the Soap Operas on between 2 and 4 o’clock everyday, which has a viewer base consisting solely of women over 50.

On the other hand, I really got to hand it to Fox for re-packaging something old and stale, and then force-feeding it to North America’s youth. And all the while they’re making money hand over fist. The only other company to master this art is 7/11.

Most people I know love this show. I know people who care more about this show then they do their actual lives. Fox has really out down itself this time. I tip my hat to you good sirs!

Matches of the century

2005-03-16T19:48:00.000-08:00

Andy: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, on Andy Rules Sports, and exclusive to www.andyrules.tk, we have “Fight Night in Canada,” our alternative to “Hockey Night in Canada. I am also joined by my good friend and fellow sports enthusiast, Phil.

Phil: Thanks Andy. I’m going to go over the rules quickly. All fights are unarmed, and to the death, and the combatants would be taken from the time that they were at their physical peak. Now, to the matches. First up are the original cowboys, Clint Eastwood, and John Wayne.

Andy: This should be an interesting fight, and would most definitely have to take place in a bar. My prediction for this fight is that Clint would take it. Height/weight/strength, I’d say this is pretty even. But Clint just seems, meaner, you know? He’s got that killer instinct.

Phil: I’m going to Disagree, John Wayne might be the underdog for that reason, but he’s more savvy. Just remember, in the movies it usually is the underdog that comes through huge. And that my friend is why he will come up and steal a victory.

Andy: Either way it will be a good one. Next up we got two of hockey’s greatest tough guys, Brad May, and Tie Domi.

Phil: Domi, because he is THE MAN!

Andy: That’s it? You need more of a reason than that.

Phil: Shut up, he’s a pimp, that’s my reason.

Andy: Fine, I’m going with Brad May, just to piss you off.

Phil: You suck, have I ever told you that?

Andy: Just introduce the next two fighters.

Phil: No, you do it, jerk..

Andy: It’s your turn, so just do it.

Phil: No.

Andy: Fine. Next is Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Phil, do you have a good reason this time?

Phil: Yeah, as a matter of fact I do.

Andy: Well, lets hear it.

Phil: Han, because if Jabba the Hutt can’t beat him, nobody can.

Andy: That’s true. For once, I’m going to have to agree with you. Han Solo has repeatedly come up with big wins over tougher opponents, like Boba Fett.

Phil: Come on, he killed Boba Fett by accident.

Andy: He still killed him.

Phil: So if I ran over Evander Holyfield, I’m tougher than him?

Andy: No, but you still killed him.

Phil: Shut up, get off my website. Now.

Andy: What kind of sense does that make, what’s the freaking title? ANDY RULES! Why would you have a site called that?

Phil: DAMN IT, BECAUSE IT JUST MAKES SENSE!

Andy: Awww screw it, just roll the fights.

WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE DANGEROUSLY ANTI-HIPPY

2005-03-16T19:47:00.000-08:00

You know what really gets my goat? These “Anti-Capitalist” pseudo-communists. The kind of people who criticize everything the government does, and try to change the system. Here’s a news flash: YOU WON’T CHANGE A DAMN THING! A bunch of High school and college kids can’t change the way the government is run. The way I see it, the government is doing a pretty good job. You don’t think so? Wait until you’re 30 and own a home.

Voting for the Green Party is one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make. Sure, their hippy environmental ranting might sound good, but they would never be able to run a country. The economy would go down the tubes; the Canadian dollar would be even more worthless. And what would happen if someone decided to thaw Hitler from his frozen cryogenic slumber. Do you think some granola-eating hippy could beat him? We’d have to reanimate Winston Churchill, whose zombie would then go eat the hippy running the country, then beat Hitler down with the hippy’s arm.

And as to anyone who thinks Capitalism is a bad idea, I’d love to have a time machine, so I could send them back in time to experience a real communistic society. Stalin’s Soviet Russia of the 30’s through 50’s. Then they’d love to come back to the twenty-first century, but I wouldn’t let them, because they hate our freedom so much.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know quite a few people who fit this description, and they’re all wonderful people. And I know I can’t change their ideology with one little rant on how wrong they are. But they like their freedom of speech, and their right to publicly express their views, so they can’t even think about getting mad at me for expressing mine.

Next time there is some big protest on some stupid trivial matter, i.e. the WTO, I’m going to go and protest the protesters. That’d be sweet. I know a couple people who would support me. In fact, I’m going to start my own activist group, AGASPH. Angry Guys Against Stupid Protesting Hippies. The only condition of membership is that you have to hate hippies. And you’d have to go to anti-protesting protests. Hopefully the cops will let us tear-gas the real protesters. I’d even volunteer for hippy bashing duty. Fighting pacifists would be sweet, because if they fought back they’d be hypocrites. I love the corner they painted themselves into.

Blogs suck

2005-03-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

I just noticed how much blogs suck. I was randomly looking through some the other day and notice that not one was even close to being as awesome as mine. Don’t believe me? Look for yourself.

Our good friend Merriam-Webster defines a blog as, and I quote “a website that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks.” A personal journal? Why would I post my personal journal for everyone on the internet to see? Who would want to read it? What would I write about, my feelings? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, boy that’s a good one! I like the reflections part. “Today I feel sad, when I look in a mirror, my reflection looks sad.” What a load.

And why does everyone post their shitty poetry? Poetry sucks, especially yours. Trust me, nobody wants to read it. Do you want to know why? 1) Poetry sucks. 2) You suck at writing poetry. 3) You suck. Know who’s poetry doesn’t suck? Nobodies, that’s whose, poetry sucks, it doesn’t matter who wrote it. Unless it was about me, because then it would rule.

Here’s a cool picture I found. I thought it might brighten your day.

That’s General Douglas MacArthur. He lead the U.S. forces in the Pacific theatre in WWII, and commanded the combined U.N. forces in the Korean War. He’s pretty cool.

But anyways, blogs suck, and I’m ashamed that such an awesome website is related to those crap-fests. But I’m poor and stupid so until I get enough money for a real website, and enough know-how to make it, I’m stuck with this.

What I hate most about driving

2005-03-16T19:44:00.001-08:00

Is other drivers. It seems that everyone but me is a terrible driver. Whenever I’m late for work, or on my way someplace, there’s always some jerk somewhere. Here are some of the types of drivers which piss me off.

1) Old people – I know the elderly are always the but end of bad-driving jokes, but come on, they’re true. I was once stuck behind an elderly couple doing 40 in a 50 zone, practically all the way between my house and my work. And to top it off they went through the drive-through and ordered two ice cream cones. I hope those ice creams were worth me keying your car.

2) Tailgaters – I can say I’m occasionally guilty of this, like in the above scenario, but when I’m doing a health 10-15 km over the speed limit, and someone is tailgating me, it really gets me going. I usually slow down for these people, wind it down to the speed limit, let them fume behind me, waiting for a chance to pass (like I’d let that happen). It’s not so bad for me going that slow, because I know I’m making someone late.

3) People who are bad drivers, then get mad at your for their mistakes – Yeah, it happens to me a lot. I was driving down the highway the other day when a cabbie tried to merge into me. When he realized I was there, he gave me a dirty look and honked his horn. Ok buddy, it’s my fault you’re too lazy to do a blind-spot check.

4) Line huggers – Either on the road or in a parking lot, there are no bonus points awarding for seeing how close you get your car to the lines. I can understand when someone parks if they are close to the lines, but that’s solved by taking another whack at it. I know you’re a busy person, but if you pull out, then drive in again, you might do a better job. If you ever see someone who did this, park as close to the driver door as possible. And take down their license plate, So if they decide to be big men and hit your door, they can be arrested for hit and run. I love the legal system.

5) Cyclists – Which of the following is an acceptable excuse for making me late for work:
a) You want to get exercise
b) You want to cut down on pollution
c) You are too poor to afford a car
d) You are training for a race
The correct answer is e) none of the above! I love it when cyclists ride on the road, and make me have to go into the opposing lane to pass them, or slow down to their speed. I really love it, I really do. I love it even more when cyclists pretend that they’re cars, riding in the middle of the lane, taking turns at stop signs. OK cyclist buddy, I’ll let you go. NO! I give it some gas and cut their spandex-covered asses off. Who would you have your money one, 200 pounds of biker and bike, or two tonnes of car.

There’s a lot more, but this is it for now, my fingers are tired.

What I hate most about driving

2005-03-16T19:44:00.000-08:00

Another person hates me

2005-03-16T19:43:00.000-08:00

I just got a new comment, this one is on my chocolate milk article.

Anonymous said...
I hate your life!,
I want to smother you

Ok, buddy, Haiku has 3 lines, the first having 5 syllables, the second 7, and the third 5. I know yours is a little off, but that’s the only reason I can think of for the unusual formatting of your comment.

You hate my life? Wow, congrats, a lot of people hate me. You want to know why? These people see how awesome, day in and day out I am, and they know, deep down inside, that they will never rock as much as I do. And I feel bad for these people, because it’s really, really sweet being me, and those people will never experience the joy of ruling as much as I do.

And you want to smother me? Well sorry captain wuss-burger. While you try to smother me, I’ll reach up and punch you in the throat. You want to know why? SMOTHERING ONLY WORKS ON INVALIDS! Anyone who is in the least bit physically able can easily resist a smothering. Plus anyone cowardly enough to try to smother someone is obviously unable to face them like a man.

I seriously think this person is the most cowardly person to read my website. Not only does he threaten to kill me in the most cowardly was possible, he does it anonymously. Way to go, some random person is out to get me, I’ll remember to lock my door tonight! And if for some reason you do find out where I live, my team of sled-dogs will rip you to shreds before you even get close to my house. So why don’t you do us all a favor and go back to writing half-finished haiku and drinking keystone light.
andy@andyrules.tk

Anyone who watches "queer eye" should be given a black one

2005-03-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

I hate mass media. Thanks to this “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” television program, guys can no longer dress the way they want to. No, they have to dress according to the most recent trend. And co-ordinate colours.

In case you are lucky enough to have never heard of this show, a straight guy is forced (usually by his woman) to get a make-over from a bunch of gay guys. A woman is so shallow she’ll make her boyfriend/husband get a make over because she doesn’t like the way he dresses. Well, tough shit lady, not every guy thinks a “cardigan” is exactly the coolest thing to wear. If you really loved your significant other you’d let him wear whatever clothes he feels like. You know why? Because if you actually cared for him you wouldn’t care if he’s fashionable or not.

And guys, if your woman is trying to get you onto this show, or trying to make you dress differently then you usually do, GROW A PAIR AND TELL HER TO SHUT UP! It’s cool if she likes to dress the way people tell her too, but you should be a man and wear what you like. And if you’ve ever been on this show, or allowed your woman to give you a “make over” you are no longer a man in my eyes.

So what can be done about this? Well, I have a solution, as always. I call it “Manly-Eye for the Whipped Guy.” It’s my guide to fashion, for real men.

1) T-shirts – A real man should never pay for a t-shirt. These can be found free in cases of beer, or given out to support local events. So, keep an eye out for promotions, and if you are buying a case, get whichever brand is giving away shirts at the time.

2) Pants – All you need is two pairs of jeans. This should be somewhat loose and worn in. Then, wear one pair until they get “dirty.” This can take a day to a month. After they have become “dirty” you switch to the second pair. Continue this process until you out grow out of your pants.

3) Hockey jerseys are great for any occasion. For happy events, (weddings, bar mitzvahs) you were an away jersey (white). For more solemn events (funerals, court appearances) wear a home (preferably black) jersey. Oh, and wear one for the game too.

4) Hats – See “T-shirts.”

5) Shoes – You should only own one pair of shoes at a time. No exception here. Note: Skates don’t count

6) “Accessories” You should only have what’s on the guys checklist, “watch, wallet, spectacles, testicles.”

That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. You real mean out there already know this, and I salute you. But a lot of men, who usually are the kind who let their women drive, don’t. So please, don’t buy into this “Queer-eye” bullshit.

Don't worry Belgium, Canada's got your back!

2005-03-16T19:39:00.000-08:00

So I just checked my “Dot TK” tracker (in case you’re stupid I’ve moved my website hosting to http://www.andyrules.tk/, so go there from now on).Anyways, I got 27 hits yesterday. Not bad, considering I’ve only promoted my website by word of mouth, but enough of that. So, 23 people were from Canada (no surprise, there), three from “unknown,” and one hit from Belgium. Belgium? How does someone from Belgium know about my website? I’m going to need Sherlock Holmes for this one. I think I need to lay down.

Well, Mr. Belgium, I’m glad you moseyed over to my corner of the internet, and I’m glad, as far as I know, only people from cool countries have visited my website.

I hold Belgium in high regard. They’re a relatively peaceful country, and I’m sure they like to chill. I’d bet Belgium gets together with Canada, Australia, and Switzerland then parties it up, while America is bullying the smaller countries. Mexico would be having a siesta. But yeah, Belgium is pretty cool.

When you search for Belgium under google images, you get this picture:

I don’t think George W. likes Belgium very much. But don’t worry, we Canadians got your back. We beat the Yankees twice before, we can do it again. And we have a history of getting your back *cough World Wars cough* I’m not rubbing it in, it’s like if your friend gets in a fight, you jump in, pull their attacker’s shirt over their head and start feeding them. We like doing that, a lot. Just watch Tie Domi if you think Canadians can’t fight.

But anyways, don’t worry Belgium, you’re cool, and we’d be proud to back you up if Bush decided to invade. Then, afterwards, we’d relax with a couple cold ones, and some chocolate.

A Bried Lesson in Canadian History

2005-03-16T19:34:00.000-08:00

1775 – Americans invade Canada during the American Revolution. Long story short, Canada wins.

1812 – The start of the War of 1812. Eventually ended in 1814, but only after Canada stomps all over America’s face. Canadian forces burn the White House (August, 1914). Canada wins.

1867 – Canada becomes an independent nation.

1893 – First Stanley Cup championship, won by the Montreal Amateur Athletic Association (AAA) hockey club

1899 – Canada Sends its first troops to an overseas war (The Boer War). Canada wins.

1909 – First Grey Cup football game held in Toronto (University of Toronto vs. Parkdale Canoe Club)

1912 – First Calgary Stampede

1914 – World War I begins. Canadians join in.

1917 – National Hockey League (NHL) formed

1918 – Germans Surrender, World War I ends, Canada wins.

1921 – “Bluenose” wins the International Fisherman’s Trophy

1936 – Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) established

1939 – World War II begins. Canada joins

1945, March 15 - 50 goals in 50 games by Maurice "Rocket" Richard of Montreal Canadiens

1945, May 8 – Germans surrender (again), World War II ends. Canada wins (again)

1955 - Hockey fans revolt at "The Richard Riot" in Montreal

1967 – Expo ’67 starts in Montreal

1968 – Pierre Trudeau elected Prime Minister

1972 – Canadian-Soviet Hockey Summit. Canada wins.

1977 – First Blue Jays game

1986 – Expo ’86 starts in Vancouver

1992 – Blue Jays win their first World Series

Rice is something you eat, not drive

2005-03-16T19:31:00.000-08:00

So, you want to be a big man with a fancy car, but all you got is an old civic hatchback? Don’t worry, thanks to the “tuner” “culture” any old car can be made cool! All you need is a Japanese car (any will do, even if it was made in 1983 and had less horsepower then a pinto) and enough money to buy two newer cars!

You see, thanks to pop culture, it’s cool to spend tens of thousands of dollars “tuning” your dad’s old corolla into something truly cool, like this:

See? Look how cool that car is! Why buy a new car, which comes standard with performance and good looks, when you could keep your old car, spend a couple “G’s” (more than you would if you just bought a new car), and make it even “cooler!” It’s a win-win situation!

Know what will be even cooler then you riding in your new “pimped-out” ride? How cool you will look when: a) this fad passes, or, b) when you grow up and realize how stupid you were. Remember how people bought Gremlins, thinking they were the coolest things around (no, because if you like ricers you are between the ages of 12 and 17, but I’ll continue anyway)? Ask anyone who has ever owned a Gremlin what they were thinking about getting such an ugly car, and I’ll be good money you’ll hear the same answers from ricers, maybe not today, but one day, when people move on to the next trend.

If you drive a Japanese car you are a traitor. Back in the 1930’s and 1940’s most automotive manufacturers crossed over into military equipment. Want to know what happened?

If you drive a Mitsubishi, you support the bombing of Pearl Harbor

Just remember the 2395 people that lost their lives next time you drive your Japanese car. Traitor.

And why do ricers listen to the rap music, with the bass turned up so loud it kills small animals? I mean really, why listen to the words (like they’re any good, seeing as it’s the rap music) when you can listen to “BOOM BOOM-BOOM, BOOM BOOM-BOOM” instead, and give yourself more permanent hearing damage then all members of Deep Purple combined. You might look cool now, but you might change your mind when you’re 50 and even though the TV’s volume is at full, you still can’t hear anything, even if the show you’re watching contains a nuclear blast. You’ll be even more glad you looked cool when you were 16 when you are 70, and completely deaf. But damn dude, you are a pimp, you don’t care about the future.

So, my conclusion is that these ricers are just trend-jumping losers who can’t think for themselves, and go from one trend to another trying to find some meaning in their lives. Either that, or they are complete retards.

You wish you were as cool as chocolate milk

2005-03-16T19:30:00.000-08:00

Chocolate milk has to be the greatest invention ever. Who would have thought of mixing the two of the greatest foods of all time, chocolate, and milk? Not even I, in all my greatness could have thought of that.

Over the past week, I’ve probably drank 6 litres of chocolate milk. Now there’s a way of getting the recommended amount of calcium. If only they could make other healthy food taste this good. Wait, they did. Apple pie. Pumpkin pie. I’d say cherry pie, but cherries are already good.

Pies are another excellent food. Especially when combined with chocolate milk. Well, all this talk of chocolate milk and pie has made me hungry, so I’m going to go do what I do best, eat!

How awesome am I?

2005-03-16T19:28:00.000-08:00

That’s what it would look like if I died. That is a computer simulation of the awesomeness escaping my corpse. When a person dies, their awesomeness is expelled into the immediate area. This is why people who’ve killed other people are so cool, they’ve absorbed the awesomeness once possessed by the person they’ve killed. Take Boba Fett for example.

This guy has obviously killed many people, and look how awesome he is. You know how after he died in Return of the Jedi, Jabba’s ship exploded? That was his awesomeness escaping his dead body. That type of destruction caused by RAR (Rapid Awesomeness Release) is miniscule when compared the potential destruction caused by someone like me dieing.

You see, even though I’ve never killed anyone, my body is so engorged with sheer awesomeness that the RAR at death would spell the doom of mankind.

The intensity of RAR is directly related to a person’s awesomeness, which is measured on the aweso-meter. This meter runs on a scale of 0 and 10. Zero being the lowest, 10 the highest.

You know how some people kind of gasp when they die? These people have very little awesomeness, and therefore, when they die, it just kinda sneaks out. They rank between a 1-3 on the aweso-meter. When people cough and die? They got about 4-6. You know when people scream when they die? They are a solid 7-9. Someone who has a perfect 10 out of10 would vomit. Boba Fett ranked at 100,000. For the type of apocalyptic doom brought about by the death of someone like me, you need about a 1,000,000 on the aweso-meter.

So for the sake of humanity, lets hope I live a long, long time.

Bush in 2008!

2005-03-16T19:27:00.000-08:00

You know, I’m actually kind of glad Bush got re-elected. First off, it’s not my country that’s being screwed in the poop-chute, so the Patriot Act, or any scraping of laws, introductions of new one, new taxes etc. aren’t going to affect me!

Second of all, When I have writers block, I can just flip on CNN and it’s a sure bet Bush has done something stupid. Also, war rocks, so in a few years when they make a “Battlefield Iraq” video game, chances are it’ll be sweet. On the same note, war movies rock, so, once again, thank you President Bush!

Plus, the “Rock Against Bush” CD’s were pretty sweet, they’ll probably put out a few more of those in the next few years. I can also keep wearing my Anti-Bush shirts, without looking like a moron!

And finally as Patton Oswalt said, Bush will bring about the biblical apocalypse. And I agree with him, part of me does want to die in the apocalypse, just to get into that velvet-rope section of heaven.

Nothing interesting ever happens in Canada. What’s the biggest thing in Canadian politics? The Sponsorship Scandal. In the US that kind of thing would be considered normal for their leaders. In fact, headlines would be made if a Yankee president didn’t pull something like that.

But remember, George W. is a very special person. I use the word special as I would if I referred to a mentally-challenged individual. Wait, I did. The guy almost died eating pretzels. I have an invention to help prevent that, it’s called Beer. While you are chewing your pretzels, you take a sip of beer, to help moisten the pretzel. This will help avoid choking. Also, the man (and I use that term loosely) dropped his dog. His dog. On the ground. The president of the United States of Yankees hates man’s best friend. Unbelievable. He also can’t balance on one of those Segway deals. The man's dumbness overcame not one, but several computers, which by the way are the smartest creatures on the planet.

Well, over 50% of Yankees voted for him to stay in office. Yet more proof that Yanks are idiots.

Wedgies

2005-03-16T19:26:00.001-08:00

Wedgies rock, unless I'm on the receiving end of them. If someone’s being a jerk, nothing puts them in their place like a well-timed wedgie. There are many styles of the wedgie, such as:

The Sea-Saw Wedgie: In this one, one person grabs the front of the victim’s underwear, and another person gets the back. Then, the two wedgiers pull up and down on their side. This one can get pretty ugly. Also known as the lumberjack.

The Turban Wedgie: This one starts like a regular wedgie, but then you wrap the victim’s underwear around his head, like a turban.

The Levitating Wedgie: When you pick someone up off the ground while giving them a wedgie.

The Hawaiian Wedgie: This one works well on a beach. While giving someone a wedgie, you throw a couple of handfuls of sand down their crack.

The Never-Ending Wedgie: Have you ever been given a wedgie, and no matter how hard you tried, it just never went away? That’s the kind of wedgie I’m talking about here.

Well, those are some of my favorites. Until next time, happy hunting.

A Tribute to the H.M.S. Glowworm

2005-03-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

During World War Two, there were many acts of outstanding bravery and just downright manliness. Take the H.M.S. Glowworm for example.

The H.M.S. Glowworm sailed from Scapa Flow on April 5 as a covering force for Operation Wilfred, the British plan to mine the coastal waters of Norway. She was under the command of Lieutenant Commander G. P. Roope. While at sea, she encountered the German destroyer Bernd von Arnim. This ship radioed for assistance. The cruiser Admiral Hipper arrived shortly after. Heavily outgunned, Glowworm fired two salvos of five torpedoes, but to no effect. When it became clear that he could not outrun the Hipper, Roope turned and rammed his adversary instead, tearing a 40-meter gash along the starboard bow. Glowworm sank and 31 men were rescued by the Hipper, though Roope was not among them. After the war, he was posthumously awarded the Victoria Cross.

When it became clear that he could not outrun the Hipper, Roope turned and rammed his adversary instead. How awesome is this? Rather then surrender, he rammed the German ship. Lieutenant Commander G.P. Roope, you’ve just been added to my list of all time heroes. I salute you.

Please see http://www.hmsglowworm.org.uk/ for more information.

Sudan declares war on Canada

2005-03-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

KHARTOUM, Sudan (FU) - Sudanese President al-Bashir declared war on Canada after news reached him that the Canadian Prime Minister, Paul Martin, launched a terror attack upon an innocent Sudanese girl.

After a visit to a Sudanese refugee camp, Paul Martin was speeding away in his motorcade. When he saw a little girl on the side of the road, he jokingly said “5 points!” The Sudanese driver did not know this was a joke, and proceeded to hit the young girl.

The girl, whose name was not released, spent 24 hours in a Sudanese hospital, and required stitches for here injuries.

Paul Martin later said, “I hope to see her Thursday night.” Is his intention to finish the job? This reporter believes so.

Meanwhile, President al-Bashir claimed he has undisputed proof Canada has “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” and that Canada is plotting future attacks upon Sudanese citizens.

“We must neutralize the threat that Canada poses to Sudanese freedom and liberty” al-Bashir said in a press conference early this morning.

When asked about his claims to Canadian water, al-Bashir said, “We are not taking military actions against Canada for her water… We know Canada has Weapons of Mass Destruction, we know Paul Martin has committed horrible atrocities, we want to liberate the Canadian people of this terrible tyrant.”

It has been said that Canada contains 20% of the world’s fresh water supply, and in Sudan, there is a great demand for water, as more and more Sudanese get thirsty.

Some feedback

2005-03-16T19:24:00.001-08:00

It has been brought to my attention that I’ve been getting comments on the shit I write. Quite frankly, I’m flattered that someone would take the time to read this, then actually care about it enough to drop me a line. NOT! Why would I care what a bunch of total strangers think? Look at these comments:

From headless lucy:
It's "than" most people on the internet,not, "then". It looks like I'm smarter "than" you and a better guitar player, too!
First off let’s see something here. I’m going to take a lesson from Maddox, and point out some mistakes you made. First off headless lucy, this is a name, and therefore a proper noun, which requires capitalization, as thusly: Headless Lucy. second, there’s a little, no, cross that out, a big bar on your keyboard called a space bar, learn to use it, as shown here: “internet, not.” Notice the space between the “internet” and the “not.” Looks like you’re a lot dumber than me. And by you’re logic, I am once again crowned the king of guitar. That right there proved to me that you are a moron. You are a better guitar player then me because you found one little spelling mistake? Congratulations! I’ll wait to judge your ability until I actually hear you play. But in all honesty, I spend maybe five, ten minutes, at most typing these. A few mistakes are bound to get through, so learn to live with it, and instead of pointing out spelling mistakes to strangers, go do something productive with your life.
From Ole Blue The Heretic:
Ok now I am mad, angry, perturbed and just paln pissed off! How can you forget the beautiful women of Canada? What is wrong with you? I have noticed that women from Canada, even the ones that are a tad bit on the heavy side, are the epitome of beauty. And I don't even get flustered over women that are more than 20 pound over weight since I am skinny myself. I am appalled that one of my supposedly intelligent Canadian friends left that out. And you call me a dumb ass American! Sheesh. You should be drawn and quatered by several lumberjacks you silly ass!Sincerly Ole Blue the HereticPS. Is it possible to get snow in this God forsaken place called Louisiana? Help a yank out here!Sheesh...I need to move back to Virginia or maryland...or perhaps Vermont!

Well Ole Blue, I’m glad you agree that Canada rocks, and thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to let me know your opinion. I really appreciate it. No seriously, I do. First off, Canada, as every country has beautiful women. We might even have quite a few beautiful women. But, we also have ugly ones. I’d say that most Canadian chicks are average to ugly in the looks department. But in all honesty, Yankee women should be every bit as good looking as Canadian women, because Yankee land is an immigrant country, much like Canada. You see, this means that our populations are predominantly immigrants. So, the looks these Canadian women have are actually looks from places like England, Poland, Germany, and France, just to name a few. So taking credit for this would be like getting some Pandas, moving them to a Canadian Zoo, and then saying Canadian Panda’s are prettier then Chinese ones. Unless you were referring to Indians.

Secondly, I’m glad to know you aren’t opposed to chicks that are overweight. I now know that if for some reason, you are ever my wingman, you can have the fat chick.

Thirdly, why the hell would I know if you can get snow in Louisiana? What do I look like, a weatherman? Wait, I know what to do, I’ll ask Jeeves! Well, I checked, and supposedly, even though it is rare, yes, Louisiana does occasionally get snow. There are several businesses specializing in snow removal, and snow fencing, in case the need arises.

Fourthly, I never called you a “dumb ass American” If I did say this, I would have said Yankee or Yank instead of American.

And finally, what the hell does perturbed mean? Is it some Cajun slang word? Up here in Canada we like our cars fast, our beer cold, and our words small.

Well, at least we’re friends, you even said sincerely. At least you have good manners, that’s another thing we like in Canada, good manners. I guess you’re alright in my books. I mean, you called yourself a yank, how cool is that? Wait a minute… Louisiana voted Bush. I hope you were from Orleans county, the only predominantly Kerry county in Louisiana. I really hope you didn’t vote for Bush. Please tell me you didn’t. Please?

Well, that’s all the comments I’ve got so far, so until next time, thanks for giving me an easy topic to write about, and I look forward to hearing from both of you again. NOT! I actually couldn’t care less if I ever heard from either of you again. But I’m sure I will.

Dark days for Canadian Sports

2005-03-16T19:24:00.000-08:00

Being a sports fan in Canada really sucks. Serious what do we have going for us? The hockey season is cancelled, due to the fact that two grown men are arguing like little kids, the expos got moved to Washington, Vince Carter said he “doesn’t want to dunk anymore,” Mike Weir was nothing but a flash in the pan, The CFL season just ended (and Toronto won the Grey Cup), and the Blue Jays suck, as usual. The only thing we’ve had go for us lately was winning the World Cup of Hockey. Which didn’t really surprise anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as glad as the next guy that we won, but that’s the only thing that’s went our way in the last little while.

I’m not going to lie, we got owned at the Olympics. Of all the sports a country can excel in, we got hockey (then again, hockey is the greatest sport on the face of the planet). Take swimming for example. In swimming, there are nearly 1,000 medals for the different styles (this is an gross exaggeration, for comic effect. The actual number is closer to 650). Hockey has two. Men’s and Women’s. Wait, we also got curling going for us, make it 4 medals that are in the bag. Go Canada!

Now don’t get me wrong, Canada is still the greatest nation on the earth, but sports mean a lot to me, and when you’re down on your luck, everything seems negative. Oh well, at least we didn’t elect Bush.

Canada Rocks

2005-03-16T19:23:00.000-08:00

Canada is the greatest nation on the face of the earth, and I’m damn proud to be a citizen of the true north strong and free.

There are many reasons Canada is the greatest nation:

1) We have never lost a war. Not even the “Only Superpower” can say that.
2) We mope the floor at the Commonwealth games.
3) One of our national symbols is a water-logged rat (the second largest of it’s type) that blocks rivers and flood golf courses. If that’s not something to aspire too, I don’t know what is.
4) We elect cool people into office. Take Jean Chrétien for example. Canada elected a man, who can speak both official languages, but nobody can understand him regardless of which one’s he’s speaking in. And Pierre Trudeau, he drove a Mercedes-Benz 300SL, how cool is that?
5) We control something like 20% of the world’s fresh water supply, and by calculations of some of the world’s top scientists, 2/3rd’s of the world will be “water poor” by 2025. I have the potential to become a wealthy Canadian water-baron, not unlike the Saudi oil-barons. I’m not saying that I’d hoard the water, just the opposite, I’d try to sell it all (at a tidy profit), and drink what matters, beer!

That’s all I can think of right now, but trust me, there are many more.

SUV's suck

2005-03-16T19:21:00.000-08:00

Know what really pisses me off more then usual? SUV’s. You know those big-ass ugly pieces of shit that are clogging up the roads? How can you not. They’re everywhere.

The first reason I hate them is that they get piss-poor gas mileage. Now usually I don’t bitch about the environment, but when I’m pay a buck a litre, and these shits are filling up 150 litre tanks, on ugly pieces of shit that get 15 miles to the gallon (highway), I want to douse that fucker in gasoline and light him on fire. Gas prices wouldn’t be so high if it weren’t for jerks filling up their SUV’s every third day. Wait, it’s ok, because if you can afford a $50,000 piece of shit, you don’t have to worry about $100 tanks of gas.

Secondly, If you’re going to pay $50,000+ for a Mercedes/BMW/Porsche you might as well get something that kicks ass, or at least something that doesn’t, on a shit scale from 1-10, rate a solid 16. Seriously, what the point of having four wheel drive if the only “off road” driving you do is on your driveway.

I could understand if someone who actually needed to drive an SUV would get one, like one of those kick ass Australians, who lives like 30,000 kilometers from the nearest city. But then again, Those guys are as manly as lumberjacks, so they wouldn’t be caught dead even looking at one of those pieces of shit. Maybe their wives would drive one. The man would drive a big kick ass truck, with big tires and a gun rack. Sweet.

Speaking of women, only women drive theses shitty pieces of shit. The other day I noticed that out of maybe the 50,000 SUV’s I saw (I was in Vancouver) only 4 were driven by guys. I would be safe to day all these guys are gay. Or at least have a small penis. Well, maybe not all of them, one had a Jeep Liberty and it was covered in mud, and dents, and had a bike on the back. Now there is appropriate use of an SUV.

Unless your SUV has mud and dents and paint chipped off you should be shot for being a jackass. That will elimante all the pussies in their “fancy” SUVs, people who don’t even drive on a gravel road for fear of chipping their paint. What a bunch of ass bandits. Now I’m pissed of. I’m going to go listen to Anti-Flag and break things.

BAD NEWS!

2005-03-16T19:15:00.000-08:00

These are the times I wish I was more of a nerd. I just accidentally deleted my entire website. Don't worry, gimme a little while, and the perfection of andyrules.tk will soon be restored. I might actually make it better. If thats even possible.